After having spent well over 4 years reading, listening, and thinking about autism and neurodivergence, 4 years of ‘mildly’ identifying with ‘some’ of that experience, I had (another) mental breakdown. This time though, that 4 years of soaking in information gave me a framework to test out using ‘I am autistic’ as a label and framework for navigating my identity and relationship with the world around me in new—hopefully empowering—ways.
And baby, it’s been a delight! It’s one label and framework among many for me, but boy-howdy has it helped me make more sense of everything!
Why did it take me 4 years to even begin to test the label on myself? It must be the same reason why so many who are close to me say ‘you can’t possibly be autistic’
--because I’m kind, because I care, because I’m a good listener, because I’m smart.
Because I’m functional, and I am very very very good at ensuring other people are not burdened or hardly affected by ‘my problems’. I’ve been practicing since at least 5th grade after all.
Naturally, there are a lot of feelings involved. The hardest one is the grief of the invisible walls of womanhood in a man’s world. I mean, I knew in 5th grade when the boys wouldn’t let me play with them that things were jacked, and toughness and savvy go a long way, but the grief is only fresher and rawer than it ever was.
They say don’t mask, but I am constantly confronted with how unmasking as an autistic female does not ever seem to go to plan.
But we’re all pretty saturated with pithy comments about the woman’s experience. That’s all just prelude to what I have learned about how emotions work in this year of experimenting with the idea of ‘unmasking’. How about a funny story for illumination?
Last year, I went on a few *amazing* dates with this guy. Naturally, we both had no idea what we are doing, and that was the main reason it didn’t work out. Connection, spark, interest, is one thing. Sustaining is another. He didn’t want to talk on the phone, he was only really available for a date, maybe 2 on the weekends, and he certainly quit texting with the verve of pre-first date interest. It all made for some shaky uncertain ground as I tried to figure out what my deal was. But—he couldn’t accept compliments. I mean he basically flat out told me to cut it out…maybe later?
If I have learned anything from the modern women’s lib movement (ha!), it is that compliments are WHERE IT IS AT!
So……..the same day I got that text of compliment rejection, I was out having a good night with some alcohol and awesome music with my sisters. And…at about 3am I sent him a text breaking up with him.
Oopsies.
The next day..or the day after, I make eye contact with myself in the rearview mirror of my car. The reckoning was on. I was so nervous! I mean, text break up? We all know that’s so bad! Alcohol-based decisions! All equivalent to drunk driving, right???? That’s about the summation for the collective emotion on that front.
Welllllllllllllllllllllllllll, drunk-Amanda gave sober-Amanda a stern talking to!! She was verrRRRy tired of having to do all the hard work and cut in on the fun due to ms Sober Amanda not having a good handle on boundaries and needs and all that.
Not the takeaway I was expecting at all. But wanting to just have a good time when imbibing and not getting snowed in by big rough feelings or having to use courses of last resort to identify and address my needs has certainly been motivating for addressing that gap between my ‘real self’ and my ‘masked self.’
It seems like everyone has challenges in overcoming the herd mind and the herd emotions to access the real self. Most of the time, I think it is hilarious that being autistic means I can’t help but fail at the rules we all swim in, and that my very failure means that people like me and are less likely to believe that…no, it’s a real fucking mountain I am looking at here.
So, mini-essay-intro-beginning into my foray into trying to translate my obsession with emotions and the social reality into writing to contribute to that collective individual effort to…whatever it is we are calling it these days, making meaning of our existence that walks toward peace.
Cheers.
PS. experimenting with using email. Drop me a contact if you’re interested in receiving email updates.